Twenty Somethings

WE watched FOX's "Dayside" today. They were talking about twenty-somethings who have working-world confusion and do not want to leave home or go into a lesser lifestyle. Do the people who decide how these programs are formatted not know that the same identity confusion lies at the other end of the working world? We awaken every day with a lack of purpose and a debilitating sense of ennui. At one time in our lives, we had a sense of importance and validation for taking up space with our bit of protoplasm. Surely, there is more after work is done. Our hearts hurt when we look into the mirror and see an older person and realize that there is no going back --- only forward into an unknown abyss. I don't think most people question their lives on a daily basis. They get up and live --- and then go to bed again. We, on the other hand, scrape each other raw with the desperate searching for something to do with the tiny bit of life that is left to us. We don't want to waste it, but in perusing the "great American dream", we lose sight of where we were heading fifty years ago. A lady of great beauty and grace has just stopped by and we talked of life, love, marriage and spirituality. I am left wishing I had her serenity and adaptability. Eva,--- God loves you and so do I. My thinking on old age will surely evolve as we are led along the way this spring. We will be back in Ohio, where regeneration of life is more visible than it is in Florida.

Probably Goofed, Again!

You have to be careful what you say when you have been married forever. I opened my mouth and said, " Golly, our Florida place will probably sell like a hotcake after those dreadful hurricanes". "His Lordship" took that as permission to sell the doublewide that shelters us in the terrible winters. It didn't even take a for sale sign to accomplish the deal. The office lady sent a nice couple from Massachusetts down the road and they thought all of half an hour before offering us $30,000. more than we had in it. You just can't pass up that kind of profit, so we will be out on our behinds in another month. We are filling our senses with blue skies and sunshine, while thinking of our dear families under eight inches of snow in northwestern Ohio. We will take our personal things to a friend's brand new home for an extra month here, but have not been able to find a lot that wouldn't take more money than our farm cost in 1977. I want to travel and rent something when the winters get tough, but the husband wants to sell our real home in Ohio and live here all the time. True, Florida is beautiful, but it is also crowded with snowbirds, spring-breakers and impatient Floridians who drive like kamikaze pilots. Our kids and grands are in Ohio --- what if one of us should die? The other would be forced to live here among golden oldies who walk their dogs in baby carriges and ride three wheeled bikes. I love my Ohio home! If the snow gets up to the roof, I would shut the drapes, turn on all the lights and read books, quilt or mess with the computer, while pretending that the sun was shining outside. Meanwhile, it is too late to worry about, it is a done deal and the new "almost owners" are measuring walls and busily thinking of ways to garbage up what I have so tastefully decorated! Help! The people here don't understand the principle of less looks better and clutter is crap. I know that I will not even be able to drive by here in another month or I will cry. God --- what do You have in mind for us? You have lead us from the very beginning, when we knew You not. I will trust that You have something much better ahead and we should " Be still and know that you are GOd".

Blogging Again after Many Months

It seems impossible that almost four months have elapsed since I last thought of my blog. There are so many other people's writings to read that I forget to ruminate on the life of one little, old lady. The husband recovered from his surgery physically, but has lost some of his zest for life. After his surgery, the docs got their hands on my neck and reamed out my left carotid artery. Really, it was supposed to be a simple thing, but it has turned into a major event with a rush back to surgery on the day after the original grand opening. Things were okay, but I never do anything the easy way. Scared my poor family, but oddly enough --- I went back to the land of scalpels and sponges with the thought that I was dying and did not fear. Go figure!
The biggest event of this summer has been the intensity of the presidential election. Our oldest daughter was a wreck with all the political bull-s*** on T.V. Myself, I could not stand to hear all the garbage and justifications by political hacks --- even FOX network started getting a little hinky by the end. We were packing to leave for six months in Florida (the 2000 election fiasco) while awaiting the results of 2004. Wouldn't you know --- Ohio was the state to decide this year's winner? Perhaps we should leave Ohio and Florida or learn to live with the shame of ineptitude. We are rejoicing in the Bush win and trying very hard to be good winners --- you know, being humble and not rubbing anyone's nose in it. But! It's so hard to listen to the whining and crapola from the Democrats since they realized on Wednesday that "flyover country" embodies the values of the majority of Americans. Their attempts to pull every minority into their fold will give them just that --- lots of diverse, little minorities with axes to grind. I feel so absolved to know that down home values and spirituality are still alive and well, though bowed and bloody from years of attacks from the left. Heard tell today that people are turning in their citizenship and planning to move to Canada --- Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out! Hey, just putting this down makes me feel better. I'm gonna go get an ice cream cone and celebrate "Old W's" win. Also, "Cheers" to my grandson who will go to the Inaugral Balls, because he works for a Republican govenor. Life is pretty good, after all!

Late, Again

It finally happened and we lived through the whole experience. He (being my husband of fifty years) had that open heart surgery and his aortic valve was replaced with a cow's valve. When he heard that it would be a bovine graft, he wanted "a bull's valve". I suppose they used the cow valve, so I could not tell him he is full of bull! Sometime later, when he is not so weak and debilitated, I will tell him what a pain in the arse he was asking the same questions and making the same statements over and over. I know I would react the exact same way, if I could do nothing for six weeks. Thank God for the T.V. It has only been eleven days and things are just fine, but I am wearing down. However, if I allow myself to think of what I would have done had he died --- too much to even contemplate. You, who are young and own the world have no idea what lies ahead. If you were to think of your "golden years", you could not imagine the thoughts and feelings that ramble around in your silvered head and the regrets that multiply over the things you have never done. Do them! Get off your butts and do whatever it is that you think you will get around to someday in the distant future. It is not so distant!

Upon Seeing the Difference Between Ages

Reading the blogs of other people, somewhat younger people --- makes me feel that the boat came in and I missed it. Their words are so upbeat and cutesy. Is it that we of a much older generation have stopped growing or is it that they think they are more chic and sophisticated than real life? At twenty, thirty and yes, even forty, we were not given the freedom to express the longings and burdens of our hearts. Alas, we come to the later years and once more have no freedom --- another generation has taken the reins from our hands and are whipping the horses into a frenzy of activity. We are clueless and limited by our narrow upbringing in the fifties. Beaver's mom truly did exist and morality was not merely an ideal of a simplistic society, but a tried and true path from which we were tempted, but afraid to stray. The unknown along the wayside held too many evils and we knew the prize that waited beside the straight path. How are young people so unafraid to try all the temptations along the way? Do their parents bail them out of trouble until they are old enough to have experienced all the unfettered joys of this world and can step onto the straight path and claim the prize? Unfair is the only word I can think in reference to the bright, new citizens of the world. We didn't get to do it all! Perhaps, I will start to live a free and spirited life when I am old enough --- old enough to "dance as though nobody is watching".

Thoughts on late life

It's late in the evening, but even later in life. Once sixty-five has come and gone, you are left looking into a glass darkly --- the things you always thought you would do someday are suddenly unimportant and not even very interesting any more. You begin wondering what was so wonderful about a trip along the "left coast highway" or seeing Vermont in the fall. Living a few more years is suddenly a priority. Seeing your grandchildren launched successfully into the world is a priority. You pray to be healthy enough to take care of yourself and your mate to the very end, without having to depend on the already overburdened children in your life. Learning that my husband will in most probability be having a couple of porcine heart valve grafts scares me for him. I don't want to be frightened, --- I want to trust in God that he will have many more years on this earth, but I wonder what life would be like without him. Unbearable! He is my best friend, companion, lover, my life as I know it. He is not afraid to die, but is afraid of the surgery. I can tell by the comments he makes. I would be scared to death to face something like that. How odd! How can you be scared to death and yet, not die? We are running around trying to fix things around the house --- against that day, or possibly to enjoy for a few more years? I watch the shows about clearing out your "stuff" and think that someday, I'll clear out some of my "stuff" so my kids won't have to go through fifty years of accumulating, but death will probably surprise me by coming when I least expect it and certainly before I am ready. I think I am having a bad day. Maybe, the sun will shine tomorrow.

I Have to Begin Somewhere

Since I have to begin somewhere, I'll begin by saying thank you to my darlin' granddaughter for showing me where to blog. Kacey