Thursday, February 9, 2012

Too Soon Old

It's been a really long time since I felt that I could blog anything. My family is my life and they would resent it, if I were to tell all the things I think or feel. I know even in my everyday chit chat, I am often misunderstood. I am always motivated by love, but somewhere between my brain and my lips there comes a disconnect. I am left babbling and hoping to explain the errant comment. But today, I am thinking that perhaps I should move to an undisclosed location and write my heart out. My original intention was to leave a blog of my thoughts so my children would have an insight into the minds of their parents. That is just not happening, so I am moved talk about my feelings on being old...possibly even close to dying. As a born again Christian, I should be longing to be with The Lord in Heaven, but as a woman who was young just a few days ago....I want to stay and see my children and grands happily married and in family relationships before I go. I, also, have too many quilts cut up and piles of fabrics awaiting my sewing machine and my creative juices. My other half just had a really big birthday, which brought to mind the fact that life is short and like a roll of toilet tissue, goes faster the closer you get to the end.
The recent loss of one of my favorite bloggers reminds me that fleeting time will find me unaware and I might be caught in the despair of loss. I read Empress Bee's thoughts on the day Sarge Charlie was laid to rest and was amazed by how succinctly she expressed the unwillingness to acknowledge to yourself that your loved one is gone from this Earthly life. Allowing yourself to believe it would mean that it is true and that hurts too much to be conceived. My husband of fifty-eight years and I have nibbled around the edges of grief over our lack of future, but like Miss Bee, don't want to come to grips with deep thoughts.
It is so hard to get old, when your mind is still hanging around back in your thirties or fifties, but time marches on and eventually we get tired of marching and sprawl in front of the T.V. or sit lazily at the computer. Our church has decided that we are saved and no longer need to worship in ways that are meaningful and comforting to us. They have gone on to impress the youth with drums, guitars and stage productions to lure young people. Large churches have formulated worship programs to compete with a Red Hot Chili Peppers Concert. Our youngsters love it, but they go away to college and we are left in the pews awaiting the next ploy to attract another generation. Meanwhile, our pleas for a hymn here or there fall on deaf ears....perhaps they can't hear us over the sound system.
Restaurants that have been mainstays in our lives for years are suddenly ripping out their decor and trying to get a "modern update" to appeal to a younger group. I have news for them....if business is slow, it is because we are in a recession, not because their walls need to be painted mustard and puce. When the economy picks up, their business will pick up, but they will be out the money it took to update the place. This older generation has been patronizing them all along without the benefit of some up and coming dude deciding that a face lift is the answer. I mean, golly, have you noticed that McDonald's is even changing the fronts of their stores? Will the Golden Arches become fallen arches?
I think I am trying to say to the world....Please don't be so obvious in your desire to be done with us. President Obama's Health Care will not allow brain surgery to relieve a brain bleed if you are over seventy. Cancer will not be treated if you are over seventy, but will be given comfort measures. Yea, bring on the Morphine. Once we are in a drug induced haze, pull the plug, let us go and then hold a rousing church service with old hymns which have had their melodies changed.
Perhaps, we should start telling people how much we admire and love them, before they are gone and we are left without their presence in our lives. Ronald Reagan left the office of President of the United States in 1989. He was seventy-eight years old and one of our greatest presidents, Some people still have value in their golden years, but we won't necessarily know who they are until they have left the building.


Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

oh my gosh honey this is SO true!!! those people holding their arms up in the air at church, it's just not the same. i love the old hymns, they are so comforting and beautiful. my grandchildren listen to christian music and love it but i seriously don't. and you are right, sarge's death is not real if i don't let it be. and so far i have not. i ask him what he wants for supper, i tell him it's time to go to bed, i ask him how he feels and tell him i love him. probably always will too...

hugs, bee

Kacey said...

Oh, Bee...Sarge will never be gone as long as he lives in your heart...he is just "a breath away".

Molly said...

Kacey---Wondered about you when we were on the recent Stars Over The Bay quilt shop hop! Thought I might run into you and not even realize it! But you probably don't need any more fabric! Nor, indeed, do I! I thought I'd always be close to my children but it aint necessarily so, I'm finding, as we get older. The real me is young and lithe and shiny-haired with smooth skin! I don't know who that imposter in the mirror is, but the world seems to think she is me! Don't you think though that you're more at peace with who you are as you get older? I like myself better now than I ever did before. But I do know that time is running out; I need to sew faster! I'm glad you're back. Write your heart out!

Kacey said...

Thank you, Molly. We had to come home on Jan. 1st to see the heart doc for the hubster. As we drove by your area, I was wishing I could see yhou, but my honey headed right for Ocala and his good vet friend. He is still working with horst breeding and I can't keep him away. I am coming back the second week of March. Perhaps???

Granny Annie said...

But what to my wondering eyes should appear but from Kacey at Cookie's Oven! WooHoo! Huzzah! Hooray!

Plus I can "ditto" ever word. A lot of us are feeling the same way these days and you have expressed it very, very well.

You are greatly missed. Don't be gone so long next time:)

Kacey said...

I'm sorry not to have posted, but I did cover my blog friends by reading theirs. One of my biggest problems was that all my thinking had become a bunch of downers. The political stuff was taking over my thinking and I was feeling very low by the state of our buzzards in Washington. Perhaps, I should just pray about that and let my thinking travel to a higher plain. It's so good to see you,

Sandy said...

Go ahead Kacey, and write your heart do it so well! The kids should know the truth about your life and your feelings, whether they can deal with it or not....your life is not a lie, they should know what is in your heart and on your mind.
I feel positive that if not now...later they would want to read your words that come from your heart.
I think we all share the same feelings about getting old...its not for the faint of heart for sure...& time does fly so quickly.
So much has changed over the past favorite tv shows are gone...late night hosts that I have known and loved are gone...out with the old and in with the new!
My church has changed as well, youth groups, guitars, waving of the arms..and I feel like an outsider now.
It wasn't broke, why are they fixing it?
I feel harried & hurried as well..writing down recipe's to pass down to the next generation, tidying up my paperwork, worrying about the next 10 yrs..will I be able to live on my own? will I be a burden?
We need more people like you, Kacey to write about what most of us think about daily...aging, sickness, family..but so few of us have the ability to do so. I'm so glad I read this..don't stop, you're on a roll.

Big Dave T said...

Hea, a new blog, even if it's on the sad side. I agree that it's true that the sands of time flow faster in the second half of life. But there's not much more that you can do except strap yourself in and enjoy the ride, even if it's just watching TV or blogging. I do remember when my mother-in-law gave away her quilting materials, saying she was done. That was a sad day.

Kacey said...

Thank you, Sandy and Dave for the kind words. It gives me hope that perhaps I can write whenever and whatever I want. I know the ladies of the Red Hat Clubs dance as though nobody can see thei rmoves. It makes me feel badly about your m-i-l, Dave. They will have to pull my fabric out of my cold, dry hands as they shut the lid of the casket.

Andrew McAllister said...

I thought you might be interested to hear that I have published my first novel! I've put up a post on To Love, Honor, and Dismay with a description. Hope all is well with you :o)