Friday, August 25, 2006

The Betrayal of my Soul

My ideas of marriage have been in constant flux over a lifetime of marriage to my one and only. Early on, I had lofty ideals that if, (God forbid) I should suddenly be run over by a speeding train or any other such catastrophe --- my dear husband would have to remarry, because he was so happy with me. Actually, I think I wanted someone to mother my children until they could fend for themselves. Deep in my heart, I knew that I couldn't stand the thought of him whispering sweet nothings into another woman's ears. The very tiny, creeping, ugly little voice said in my ear, "What if he tells her about all your shortcomings?"

There is a joke about a wife questioning her hubby in this way;
She, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
He, "Oh, probably".

She, "Would you give her all my lovely things?"
He, "Oh, probably."
She, "Would you even give her my clothes?"
He, " I might."
She, "How about my golf clubs?"
He, "Oh, no, she's left handed!"

In my late thirties, a good friend died from a really nasty cancer. As if that were not bad enough, her husband told a few of "the guys" some of her intimate details. (e.g., having her monthly period start when she was sick unto death and lying in her own blood) I cried at this betrayal of her womanhood. We all know that there are thoughts and happenings in our lives that we hold near and dear and share only with one other trusted person, perhaps we even keep them to ourselves. Our inner being is indeed fragile and in need of a confidant with the ability to respect our privacy. Another friend lost his wife a couple of years ago and is blissfully married to another woman and people are saying things like, "John is so much more fun with his new wife than he was before." Just stick the knife into my ribs and twist it around a bit! Admittedly, his new wife is a live wire and the first wife was every inch the lady. I went to Hospice and gave her manicures and pedicures because I loved her and now he is having more fun with the new model.
My brother's widow of three and a half years is getting married next month. While I am extremely happy that she has found someone to be a companion--- I harbor this nagging little thought ---"You can't do this --- you are my sister-in-law and your children are my nephews." The new groom is a widower and certainly loved his first wife and my s-i-l loved my brother. We are talking older people here---grandparents. This man will make her life very comfortable and they love to travel all over the world ---she can stop tutoring primary children in her home, if she wants . Don't jump on me because I sound selfish --- I am in a whole new territory here. I must be thinking in terms of those left handed golf clubs. My husband has been with me as long as I can remember and I would hate to die and have him find out that some other woman would have been a better wife, lover, companion. We have to keep changing out minds about how we feel regarding life and love. There should be a pre-nuptial that says you cannot tell your new husband the longings of your previous mate's heart.


Big Dave T said...

Evocative post. I couldn't imagine re-marrying if my wife should pass on before I do. Maybe companionship is a necessity when you get up there in years. But you don't HAVE to get married then either.

momofalltrades said...

I will most certainly face this given the age difference between my sweet husband and myself. I pray every day that the time I'll have to spend without him will be short, but the chances are good that I will be looking at a good 20 years or more alone, or remarriage. If Rand has taught me anything at all, it is that I am worthy of choosing who I marry. Love isn't happenstance. When I get to that bridge, I'll be looking for another widower who loved and honored his wife and who wouldn't consider sharing those details in anything other than love and happy or tender rememberance. There is a difference between mockery and sharing intimate details with someone who understands and helps you grieve.

If faced with having to create a new union, I hope I can create one that allows love for both previous spouses. I don't need what I have with Rand with someone new. There are parts of myself I will never share again, and that's OK! If I find someone who loved his wife as much as I love Rand, I won't worry at all that he still loves her while married to me, and I'd never marry anyone who wouldn't allow me to go on loving Rand.

molly said...

Kacey, I agree with all that momofalltrades said. She said it so eloquently. I thing the same thoughts as you, and tell my husband that I'll come back and haunt him and his next wife, especially if he gives her my jewelry. But I know he could never survive on his own, and I'd never condemn him to a life of loneliness. Hugs to you.

Summer said...

Kacy, i like this post. i think often what if this happens one day..well, it will happen, either one of us will leave this earth and leave the other half alone and lonely. i keep telling my husband that he has to re-marry a young lady that who will love him for himself, i hope, and young so he can enjoy the rest of his days!!but he says he will never do it..well, not sure what i will be doing...tough choices. sharing the past lives with others is not easy..there should be a pre-nuptial in the new marriage contract states that both parties will never tell any intimate information about their past spouses, out of respect and love.

Teri said...

Dear compelling. I think we all have fears such as this and it shows such courage on your part to put a voice to them. Having got to know you as I have the past year, I doubt you have many shortcomings and I know that you live to learn.

Wonderful post. By the way, the graphic you chose is one that I drew myself. Interesting that you chose it for this post. ;)

Ciao happy you are writing more.